I feel like I have been holding out on you. Like there is that dang clichéd pink elephant in the room – or I guess in my head – that I can’t talk about. Rather, I can talk about it, I have just chosen to keep silent. Yes, I do have things in my life that I don’t share online. Many things, in fact, as I am sure do you all. Our blogs are really only pieces of us, aren’t they? However, as this thing does pertain to the life of my dog it feels weird to not have said anything. It could be because the subject has been depressing the heck out of me.
Perhaps I am a bit chagrined, especially after all the drama. Oh man, the drama. It seems so remote now but it meant a great deal at the time. In truth, it stills does. A lot. I am just trying to pretend it doesn’t in hopes I get over it. Denial and television, my recipe for getting through life.
Are you ready for it? Here goes:
Shiva and I are no longer formally practicing agility.
It mostly just sucks. I don’t know if I want to go into the reasons why. They mostly revolve around confronting latent fiscal problems and pulling my head out of fantasy land. I guess denial hasn’t served me all that well in the past. For now we’re just stuck with television, and even that is up in the air.
Sitting here trying to get it all out is making me even more unhappy with it all. I don’t have to explain anything to you and yet I feel like I owe you a lot more than a shrug and a “well, this bites.” I feel like I have let you down. You who have been so incredibly encouraging and supportive while I angsted over rear-crosses. You deserve a big golden trophy. At the very least you deserve more interesting stories! It’s been hard thinking of things to say lately when our lives consist of getting up, walking the dog, going to work, coming home, walking the dog, going to bed. And then repeating it all again the next day.
It’s all a little anticlimactic. After all the work we’ve done, it’s hard to just stop. Sure, we can still practice on our own and we have. I can tell you right now, without a goal in mind, it’s not the same. As the time passes, I wonder if we’ll ever start again. By the time we have the ability, I may no longer have the desire. Shiva might not be physically able to at that point anyway.
So yeah, that’s a bit of what I have been going through. I apologise for the gloomy attitude. No doubt I am once again taking it all too seriously. It just makes me really sad. As with blogging, I met a lot of really awesome people through dog sports. Now that the activities can no longer be a part of my life, the people won’t be either.
I am trying to keep my brain on the things I can still enjoy. A quote from Doggerel’s most recent post has helped me gain a little perspective. The author said: “I have always just wanted a dog of my own to walk with me. And now I have one.”
So do I. There was a time that was the goal. When I finally achieved it, when Shiva learned to walk on a leash without injuring my hands or snarling at garden gnomes, I figured I couldn’t ask for anything more. It was enough for me back then. It can be enough for me now.