Guest Post: Rubbish Rage

The following article is a guest post written by my PH. I injured my ankle last week (more on that another time) and he has been helping out with evening dog-walking duties. As a result, he has recently encountered one of my biggest annoyances: litter in the park. Litter that our lovely dog views as her own personal buffet. This is his rant. You have been warned. (Photographs and italics are mine.)

I suppose I should begin with an introduction. Most of you will know me as the PH, but some of you will know me by other, often less flattering, names. For your entertainment pleasure today I bring you the first in a long line of  rants about dog-related things that really bug me. I was recruited for this for two reasons:

1-       My recurring rage against humanity and…

2-      Kristine is far too nice to rail against the things that bother her*, so I am the voice of both of us. (Note: Kristine does not necessarily endorse the views represented by her guest poster). 

With that in mind, let us establish a couple ground rules. When I rant I often cannot control the colour of the language used. Because of this, and the fact that this is contrary to the general feel of this blog, please refer to the following guide:

4 letter word that starts with F = will be replaced by the word pork

4 letter word that starts with S = will be replaced by the word piston

7 letter word that starts with A and ends in HOLE = will be replaced by the word fisherman

All variations of the above mentioned rules with be used (eg. porking, pistonhead, etc.)

With my variables defined, let us begin.

 

Scene: On leash human area

As you know, there is an on leash dog area in a little forest not far from our home that we often use for walking the Pupinator (I will refrain from further cute pet names from here on in, I just had to get that out). As a responsible dog owner, I rarely let her run free on the pathway. Rather I leave her on leash until we get to an isolated back section of the park. I do this out of courtesy for other dog owners who may be struggling with reactivity and for the locals who use this picturesque setting to engage in recreational fishing or strolling.

I like to fish myself, and love showing up to a lake or river when the sun is rising and the fog is lifting off the water’s surface. This is just slightly (cue sarcasm) ruined by the pile of porking trash left by the previous fisher. Just last night one stop in particular was riddled with two  full grocery bags of garbage, no less than five disposable drink cups, and various other piston that people leave behind.

Garbage is circled to make it easier to spot

Two points on this.

1-      Good on fishermen (remember the definition) who have the foresight to bring a bag for their inevitable waste. But my questions is: if you go through the trouble to bring a garbage bag to fill with waste, WHY THE PORK CAN YOU NOT TAKING YOUR PORKING BAG OF PORKING GARBAGE WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE?

Such a pretty scene, too bad about the disgusting thing hanging off the tree

2-      What the pork is wrong with a fisherman who goes fishing, knowing full well (based on the last 80 times they went porking fishing) that they are going to generate waste, and do not bring a porking way of bringing it back out with them?

Garbage cans are handily placed at all three park exits for just this purpose.

Now that I have identified my issues with fishermen, I will get on with my glorious afterthought. On average the park by the lake to which I refer is even less frequented as the local off leash dog park. Despite this, the dog park is always in immaculate condition, free of litter and cared for by all who use it. Birdhouses are built, benches are donated, and plaques are hung in memory of beloved pets.

I think you are able to see where I am going with this, but indulge my righteous outrage. The muggles** of the world (or whatever it is that you call them in this dog blog scene) seem to have a hate-on for dogs and all their “wicked” and “unclean” ways. It seems to me that the real porking problem is the jack-fishers that cannot be bothered to even walk their porking garbage 30 porking metres to the garbage can. I do not know if this is a fundamental error in their wiring, but I am sure I can come up with something for a future rant.

Shiva is probably eating a Tim Horton's cup in this photo

So now we are left with two options on how to deal with the current situation. I will use number bullet points for this again because I like numbers and because I can.

1-      Make all green spaces in every city off leash, upon approval of local dog owners. This way the dog owners will take pride in something that is theirs and keep it clean. It will also allow them to impose rules upon fishermen that will either force them to conform or see them banned.

2-      Expand the definitions of “on leash” to include all fishermen. This will require them to be with a guardian at all times who will hopefully  shame them into complying with social norms and environmental common sense. If not, there are always shock collars.

Does your city have a similar littering problem?

*Really? Clearly someone doesn’t read this blog very often.

**Please excuse the gratuitous Harry Potter reference. At least, I think it’s Harry Potter – I could be thinking of something else. I haven’t read the books so I am fairly clueless on that scale.

24 thoughts on “Guest Post: Rubbish Rage

  1. This is HILARIOUS on so many levels. The ground rules made me laugh out loud. I might have to adopt those term substitutions — they sure would come in handy — often! And amen to the numbered options/solutions. I especially appreciate #1. In our local dog park, trash is an issue but a minor one — the major issue is poop and not the dog kind. Long story. You’ve just given me ammunition for a post of my own!

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  2. HAHAHA! This made my day! (and I appreciated the Harry Potter reference, since I am a big nerd) Hope your ankle feels better soon!

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  3. LOL this was great!!! It took me a minute to catch my stride with the phrasology (I wrote that because I can. 😉 )but once I had it down I had no issues.

    Yes other people have the same issues where they walk their dogs. In the field we frequent I’ve found used condoms (definitely not something you want your dog eating) food remnants, rubbish, plastic etc….

    Strangely enough that ‘fishermen’ don’t want our dog’s piston all over the area they use, but they have no trouble leaving their piston where we walk our dogs.

    I call for a mutiny! I think we’ve found a leader. :-0

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  4. I think as the PH’s mother I might have to wash his mouth out with soap – use your words – I can give you a whole list of descriptors which do not need editing. As for the rant – I agree completely – quite often I go to my favorite spot and pack out three times the garbage than we came with. I think we need a deposit on all fast food cups and containers – bring them back for a refund – might curb some of the trash

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  5. Hi PH, ha, ha, ha – my mom said that my dad and you (PH) must have been separated at birth. We have a park nearby that lots of people use. Most people are pretty good but occasionally there’s a pile of poo right on the walking areas or off on the grass. My peeps often wonder how people could “pretend” not to know that their dog has pooed and that its THEIR responsibility to pick it up RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Also my dad has a problem with people “clearing” their throats, usually onto the grass or the walking path. They’re also worried about people trash and stuff because you never know what people leave behind (dog haters). With Kristine’s hurt foot and the marathon that’s coming up, will PH be wheeling Kristine along the route?

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  6. Great post PH. If only people would respect others. Surely they don’t like turning up and finding such a disgusting mess, so why leave it for others.

    Your mum’s idea is good.

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  7. Porking muggles are ruining every environment they venture into. We think they must always be accompanied by a dog who shows them how to clean up after themselves.

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  8. This was fabulous! While I hope Kristine is feeling better in no time, it’s nice to hear from “the PH”, especially since he seems to have an equally stellar a sense of humor.

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  9. PH- It’s very sweet of you to entertain us in Kristine’s absence (Kristine- I hope your ankle is on the mend!). I love rants, because it usually is something that all of us are thinking! Thanks for making us laugh about something that ticks us off!

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  10. My two favourite parts of this post were:

    1) The HP reference. Kristine, HOW have you not read it?! It is amazing.
    and
    2) That the PH’s mom chastised him in the comments for his language, edited or not. I laughed out loud… my mom would do the same thing!

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  11. The PH is totally awesome. Please don’t let his mom wash his mouth out with soap. I’m counting on him to create a whole new “dog people” lingo.

    I am SO WITH YOU on the garbage. In our town, there is a bar, then a McDs then my house. I can not count the number of times drunken fisheran have dropped their piston in front of my house. Sometimes they don’t even eat the food before dumping it on the lawn. Kol actually believes that it rains cheeseburgers!?

    I’m not sure my own PH even really knows what I mean when I say “I’m blogging” and I’m certain he doesn’t know my blog address (despite it being our dog’s name .) Kudos for joining in (and for woof sakes, do something about Kristine and the Harry Potter. How can she be OK with missing out on it?!)

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  12. Pork! You’re a funny man, PH!

    I think there are fishermen everywhere. Georgia gets the runs all the time from eating piston left behind by picnickers and fishermen fishermen. I love your number 2 option and would like to see it enforced ASAP. You get my vote for policeman of the world (or at least of dog parks).

    P.S. I hope your mum doesn’t read comments. A big hug to the sickie please 🙂 x

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  13. Oh I’m so with you. I forgot momentarily that “fisherman” stood for something else; in a lot of the places we hike the two are synonymous. Fishing line left behind for wildlife to get trapped in, hooks left around for dogs to step on–ick!

    I wish I could get my PH to do a guest postie, though I’m afraid it would make this postie look like a paragon of wholesomeness and virtue…:)

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  14. Ok, now that we’ve heard from both of Shiva’s people, I definitely understand her just a little bit better. Yep, she has definitely been trained in her sense of humor by two of the best!

    Great post–I might even say it was porking awesome!

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  15. This was hysterical. Nice job. I think someone needs to start his own blog. My hubby’s starting his own soon too, about GMO’s in food and other rants. You two could be a support system for one another. Oh, and Long Island is one big trash can. People still throw their crap out the car window here too. 😦

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  16. Too funny! Having traveled around the US I have to say that there are fishermen everywhere – but I’m sorry to say that it seem unusually bad where you are. I’ve never seen bags of trash being left along the shore. Death to the porking fishermen!

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  17. this was freakin awesome. i am so glad i saved this link all this time. absolutely time well spent. and i LOVE that his mom came on here to lecture him–amazing. love it all.

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  18. Some fisherpeople are not so ROOD though! So She sayed now you do needed a different name for they cuz you used they name for that bad word.

    But She do knowed exactly what you meaned…. in fact, that picture could have been taken right near where we live just last week.

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