Not All Cats Are Evil, Just Mine

Dear Kitty,

Or, I guess I should say, dear Sabir. That is your real name, not that you’d ever respond to it. I feel a bit responsible for that. Not wholly, of course, as you were my PH’s cat long before you ever started coming to me for treats, but I did know you way back then, when you were just an itty bitty kitten. It met you during our very first date. Were you even eight weeks old? If so, barely. You were just a fuzzy ball of orange. So wee. So innocent.

Actually, scratch that. There has never been anything innocent about you. From day one you had claws that left permanent scars on my hands. I was afraid of cats back then too. Oddly, it was you who finally helped me conquer those fears. I highly doubt that was your intention.

To this day you refuse to turn around so I can get your photo. Out of spite, I have no doubt.

We’ve never been friends, have we? I have always adored you – obviously – and you have never felt anything but disdain for me. Our relationship has always been a little tempestuous as a result.

Lately, though, lately I kind felt like we’ve been building a rapport. It’s been what? Six years since we moved in together? You spent five of those plotting my death. It’s okay, you can be honest with me. I know you blame me for the dog. The important thing is that during this last year we seem to have come to an understanding. You seem to do more than grudgingly tolerate me. You seem to maybe even – dare I suggest – enjoy having me around. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone this, but the day you rubbed against my legs on purpose, it made me so happy. I felt like we had formed a real connection.

Even if it’s only because I can open the bag of Temptations. And you can’t.

We were bonded in that moment. You and I. Cat and human.

That’s why your behaviour the last two nights is so frustrating for me. I thought we had an understanding. Did I do something wrong?

Why? Why did you feel the need to play with your little mouse toy at three am two nights in a row? Why does your form of play consist of batting the rodent wildly against the bedroom door? It’s loud and, well, obnoxious . You may think three am is a good time to practice your fearsome hunting skills. We pathetic humans do not.

The thing is, the mouse toy is not a three am toy. This is a three am toy:

Only, it’s not a toy at all. It’s a bed. A bed for you to sleep on upstairs in the living room.

You are an adult now, after all. Almost eight years old. An eight year old cat shouldn’t be running around at all hours of the night, playing games. You have responsibilities.

I hate to pull the canine card, but I find it pretty sad that even Shiva the Wackadoo understands that night time is for sleeping. Your actions the past two nights in a row have officially rendered you more annoying than the dog.

Just think about that for a minute.

If that isn’t enough to disturb you, I have an idea. How’s about tonight, if you decide it’s mousey time before I think it’s mousey time, I pick you up and shut you away in the bathroom? And not the downstairs bathroom, where you can play with the shower curtain or wham your body against the door so loud the neighbours can hear. The upstairs bathroom. The one with no window.

How do you like them apples?

If that isn’t enough to motivate you to find other midnight activities, I have another suggestion. You know that blanket my best friend gave you for Christmas? The one I promised I would never let the dog drool on? If you frolic with that dang toy while I am sleeping just one more time, the blanket is going to be Shiva’ new tug toy. And you know how careful she is with her things.

Have we come to an agreement?

I really hope so.

20 thoughts on “Not All Cats Are Evil, Just Mine

  1. Hmmm… Kristine, I think that the “battle lines” have been drawn on the sand (carpet) and the evil cat will probably strike at you as you walk by the table. Oh well, I guess a few gashes across your legs is a good way to show the cat who’s the boss.


  2. ROTFLMAO! Oh, the more I read the more I adore the Cat. Sounds like he has that “distain” thing *down pat*. Fluffy cats always seem to convey pure hatred better than non-fluffy cats.

    My own cat, Pete (who is a real dick) would like me to pass on a message. Please do not judge me for it’s content.

    Dear Human, if that’s what you call yourself.

    Perhaps you were not aware when you brought a cat into your life that we felines are in fact, nocturnal creatures. We are genetically gifted with superior night vision for this very reason. You can not in all earnestness expect me to overturn centuries of evolution as a nocturnal creature just because YOU are tired. Sleep is for the weak, human. Since he has deemed to allow you to bask in his royal presence and he has tolerated the presence of a dog that even you admit may be mentally unbalanced, I will suggest this: Should my friend Sabir choose to play another late night game of cat & mouse, you will just deal with it. Or – sleep with one eye open, they just might get scratched out if you don’t.


    • Hahahahaha! This is the best comment I have ever received – or at least pretty dang close!

      Thanks for the laugh! 🙂 Peter and Cat (as that is the name I use) would either be terrific co-conspirators or mortal enemies. Either way, if they ever got together, we’d be in trouble.


  3. We’re dog people and don’t currently have cats, but I’ve been thinking about it. This post is making me think again. I like to sleep!


  4. lol my main coon cat preffered the night too… thus as a kitten he had to sleep in my brother’s room. He wanted to attack and play with my feet all night, which did not result in a good night’s sleep. Does he like to play? Maybe you can do a last nighttime play session with him to wear him out some. I have been watching more of “My Cat From Hell” it is really informative. Amazing what some play will do to tire out cats. One recent couple actually had a cat wanting to play at night, and now that they wear him out more during the day he sleeps just fine at night. Is he picky about toys? What about one of those mice on a stick toys you could drag all over for him? Or maybe he needs to have treats hidden all over at night for him to hunt out and find while you sleep??

    Good luck, I too hope he can read as it does not sound like he will have much fun if he can’t follow the rules.


  5. LOL – it seems that someone is sleep deprived and it’s making her a little cranky. Poor Kitty, being threatened with being locked in the bathroom and losing his blanket. Somehow, however, I imagine he’ll pretend he didn’t read this post and will go on doing exactly what he wants to do … with distain. =D


  6. It’s not just your Cat. Ozzy has been howling into the heat vents at 5am lately. He knows we’ll squirt him with water if he whines at the door, so he goes to the heat vent in the next room and whines until we open the door & then tries to run past into the bedroom. I’ve now taken to chasing him with a sprayer, it usually takes 2 sprayer incidents a morning for him to shut up for another hour or so. Normally Oz likes water, but not from the sprayer. I used to let him in, but then he walks on our heads and stomps the Mr.’s lower half about 6 times before settling down. Not cool.


  7. Oh my goodness, this post would be perfect for my link up, “Letters To My Pets” please go check it out and consider linking up. You would make my day!


  8. I’ve now taken to chasing him with a sprayer, it usually takes 2 sprayer incidents a morning for him to shut up for another hour or so. Normally Oz likes water, but not from the sprayer.


  9. I have THREE cats . .you can imagine the sleep that I lose? 😉 Monkey thinks that it is fun to jump from the floor to my stomach in the middle of the night – NOT NICE! He also paws at my face, sticks his nose on my nose, and just generally annoys me at 4 in the morning.

    Your kitty is simply playing with a mouse?? You are getting off easy!! (seriously, I hope he behaves tonight!)


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