Apparently even though this is a dog blog I have been subtly informed that I do not dedicate enough of my writing to His Royal Highness, the Kitty Meister. This hint was passed to me in the form of an email sent from my PH’s address. I assume either my ever-so-patient fellow human was conned into passing the message on or The Cat hijacked his online account. Neither option is beyond the
narcissistic conniving, er, disgruntled feline. To save us all from further angst, I will share his story with you.
So here I am browsing the web and I come across some website dedicated to that mangy pile of drool known as the dog. Really, does that thing need this much time and attention on a website? She already monopolizes the time at home with all her playing, whining, jumping, and all other pointless discharges of calories. She even keeps my pets (I assume this means we humans?) out for hours, even days at a time…
Okay, some things aren’t as bad as others.
My point remains that she already jeopardizes countless hours of my much-needed sleep, but that does not appear to be enough for her anymore. Now she is threatening anyone who owns a computer with her goofy guile. She is infesting computers everywhere with her pictures and videos online, and stories of random antics of idiocy. I am here to tell you to resist the madness of the mutt, she is not worth all your devotion and attention. There are far better things in life to spend your already inferior brain cells on.
Which brings me to my next point. What is with the pathetic state of affairs that is my official website? (It’s not a website, it’s a Tumblr account. There is a difference, right?) Have anyone ever been on this thing, much less updated it in the last two years? I am a much better mascot for the pet-adoring public than the foul beast you are choosing to follow. I don’t bark at strangers, I don’t run away – often, I will only do what you ask when it should be done – as opposed to anytime food is involved – as nature intended. These are all admirable qualities that demand glorification. Yet instead you prefer random jumping in the air and staring at the camera.
Which brings me to another sore spot. Pictures of me standing. I will say this and only this:
I prefer the way I look laying down. I look bigger. Get over it.
I think that based on the above evidence, you now have no choice but to worship me. I will expect nothing less than absolute devotion and unquestioning obedience. There are no exceptions, and your participation is not optional.
Now that you are on board, I have to chew the air hoses running into the fish tank. It so amuses my pets when I do and I am nothing if not obliging.