How are your reindeer? Are they ready for their big trip? I wish I could fly. I try and I try and I try but my feet just won’t keep me up. Maybe I need hooves? Could you get me some hooves for Christmas? That would be cool. Then I could fly over that water and get that stick and I wouldn’t have to worry about the lake monster eating me.
I want you to know I have worked very hard to be good. I haven’t even chased Mr. Kitty Meister Sir very much! Only once a day, just to make sure he gets his exercise! And I have been working hard to remember to come back when the humans call my name. Sometimes I still forget but only when there is something really yummy and stinky. You understand, right?
I’m still thinking about those reindeer. They have such a cool job! Do they have enough water? Do they have enough food?
Speaking of food, I would like some more of that, please. It doesn’t matter what kind of food. I like it all. As long as it’s food.
Yep, food and hooves! If you could. And maybe for Mr. Kitty Meister Sir to keep his claws in when we play. But if you can’t do that then just more food would be fine.
Lots of licks,
Dear Overly Jolly Human,
I honestly don’t know why I am condescending to write to you. Frankly, I don’t even believe you exist. Perhaps it is the lessons taught to me by the three ghosts? They visit me every year. It would make sense that eventually their teachings would stick. Perhaps it is that saccharine program the humans watched last night, starring that fine fellow The Grinch? If even he has converted maybe there is something to all this holiday humbug.
Perhaps I am just getting old.
I have no idea what lies that canine beast has told you but I do not need more exercise, thank you very much. I am not fat. Perish the thought of it! I am perfectly capable of managing my weight on my own and require no interference from mangey dogs.
In fact, I would like to say that I do not require anything from anyone. I have learned how to hunt for food by calling for it in the humans’ ears. There is nothing you can offer that would interest me, especially since you probably are not real.
Nevertheless, on the minute chance there is such a person as “Santa”, I suppose I could be so humble as to ask him to bring me some opposable thumbs. Yes, they would serve me quite nicely. If I had them, I don’t think even the humans could stop me from my plans for world domination. At the very least, I would finally gain the respect of the other neighbourhood cats. The ones in this new place have yet to bow to my authority. It’s really quite troubling. Opposable thumbs would show them all exactly who the real Meister is.
If you are real, you will get them for me. If I wake up tomorrow and still have to paw at the door like a useless mutt, I will know the truth. The ball is officially in your court.
Kitty Meister Meister Kitty