Today, apparently, was declared National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. I am still trying to figure out whose idea this was. Clearly not someone who actually lives with a cat. Everyone who lives with a feline knows one of their best characteristics is their silence. After their soft little paws, of course. No one who knows cats wants to hear their disdainful diatribes. Just because we love them for who they are, doesn’t mean we really want to know just how little they think of us.
But! It is the day for it and who am I to question a randomly assigned, totally arbitrary, completely meaningless holiday? If my cat has questions to ask me, I’d better get to answering them!
Me: Yeah, yeah. Let’s get this over with. What do you want to know?
T.C.: Why are you the owner while I – a far superior creature – am merely “the pet”?
Me: Because you aren’t capable of opening the food bag. Next question.
T.C.: Fine. Why can’t I go outside whenever I want and then come back in whenever I want?
Me: Because we can’t leave the door open twenty-four hours a day, just for you. Unless you are going to start paying for heating oil. Also, the dog would get out.
T.C.: Why does it matter if the dog gets out?
Me: If the dog gets out she’ll run around the neighbourhood and potentially get hit by a car!
T.C.: Point being?
Me: Next question!
T.C.: Why did you get me a fish tank, fill it with fish, and then put a lid on it so I can’t actually reach said fish?
Me: We didn’t get you a fish tank. The aquarium is for us to enjoy. The fish are also our pets.
T.C.: So… The fish and I are equals? Is that what you are saying?
Me: No. Not exactly. We haven’t named the fish. And they are really more of a hobby…
T.C.: What’s a hobby? Can I have a fish hobby?
T.C.: Cool. So, when are you going to buy me a fish? Or should I just take one of yours?
Me: No fish! I really think we have gotten off topic here.
T.C.: You are answering my questions. My questions is, can I have a fish?
Me: No! Next question!
T.C.: Why do you keep touching my feet?
Me: Because they are so cute and soft and cute! You have the most adorable little kitty paws in the world! Eee!
T.C.: Adorable enough to get me a fish?
Me: Ugh. No! I think we’re done here.
T.C.: We’re done when I say we’re done. Why can’t I have a fish?
Me: Because we secretly hate you. Interview over!
T.C.: I knew it!
Sorry about that… I should have known it would be a massive failure. For a much more entertaining example with 100% less ichthyocide, check out the video below. If your cat could ask you one question, what do you think it would be?