Like the “rebel rebel” I am, I am backtracking even more on the 31 Lists in 31 Days thing, all the way back to numero duo. I am determined to get to every single item on the list. I am especially looking to number 19: strange things I have seen people do in public. As a long-time public transit user, I could fill a book on that one topic alone. Knowing my laziness, it might be 2017 before I get to the last subject, which is supposed to be my goals for 2014. Meh. My blog, my rules.
5 Jobs I have Had
Though I have taken Ms. Dooce’s rules to heart, I figure I haven’t worked any of the below jobs in at least six or seven years so I am probably safe from eternal damnation. Heck, most of them are so random I’ve never even bothered to put them on a resume.
1. Barney’s Body Guard – You remember the big purple dinosaur, right? If you are too young to know who I am talking about then I don’t care if you understand. This was more of a volunteer job than actual employment but the experience was so traumatizing that I am including it here. You may not think a character from children’s television would need protection. You would be wrong. Until you have been mauled by over two dozen obsessed toddlers all at the same time, I don’t think you will ever understand what I went through that night. I am still not ready to talk about it.
2. Fish Fry Cook – This wasn’t technically my job either. I worked as a server in a seafood restaurant for four years while I attended university. One dull night we thought it would be fun to switch roles for a few hours. The cooks put on aprons and worked the front of house and the – mostly female – servers attempted to work in the kitchen. It wasn’t pretty. I still haven’t rid the smell of tartar sauce from my skin.
3. Ice Cream Scooper – After university I fell upon the harsh realization that the world wouldn’t just hand me my dream job because I had a shiny new degree. So I drank. But in order to afford the booze I worked two jobs, one was scooping ice cream at a kiosk in a local park. It wasn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds as it was also the rainiest summer my dry prairie city had ever seen. Mostly I just pigged out on chocolate bars and read escape literature.
4. Banquet Server – As much as it sucked to work until four in the morning every Saturday night serving holiday parties and fundraising galas this was actually one of the best jobs I have ever had. The hotel was awful. The management was useless. I attribute my hatred of the Wedding Industrial Complex to this period of my life. And yet it was also the best group of people with whom I have ever worked. When one is up until all hours of the night appeasing drunks and rolling cutlery, only to get up three hours later in order to serve the hoity-toity Sunday brunch crowd, something amazing happens. It bonds you to your co-workers like no other job you have ever had. It’s also where I met my PH.
5. Weight-loss Counsellor – I lasted at this position all of four days. It surprises me I lasted that long. In less than half a day I realized it was a lot less about helping people and a lot more about selling snake oil I signed a contract, however, that prevented me from sharing all of their evil secrets. Thankfully the company I worked for is long since out of business. One day I might write more about my opinions on the diet industry. The problem is, once I get started, I may not stop.
Oh, the tales I could tell. Since I can only list five, instead of going on about the job that made me quit the corporate world for good or the job that made me swear off glucosamine, I thought I would instead share a super bonus list! Aren’t you lucky?
5 Jobs I Wish I’d Had
1. Juror – I know, no one wants jury duty. Except me. Perhaps I just read too many John Grisham novels as a teenager but I always thought the experience would be fascinating. If nothing else, it would be something new. Unfortunately, I am sure wanting jury duty means that I would never be selected.
2. Radio Disc Jockey – When I was younger I was the biggest music snob in the world. I am talking, unless it was written two hundred years ago by a white man with a European name, I wasn’t interested. Regardless, I still listened to a wide variety of music and learned to find the genius in even the most popular of tunes. What always bugged me, though, was repetition. I hated how every radio station played the same one hundred songs over and over and over again. At the age of sixteen I decided that one day I would start my own station and I would never play the same piece twice. I would play everything: opera, rock, country, R&B, baroque, hip hop, even pop. But my listeners would never know what to expect next. It would be amazing, I thought. Of course, now that I am older I realize no one is going to listen to a station that plays Fidelio one moment and then AC/DC the next. Except me.
3. Chocolatier – This was a job for which I actually applied once. It was Bernard Callebaut in Calgary, Alberta. I thought it would be fun. I secretly hoped for samples. Unfortunately, the hiring manager was a bit of a cow and probably expected me to quit after a day or two. No doubt she was right but I still wish I’d been given a chance.
4. Letter carrier – This is a job that is getting phased out but I always thought it would be awesome to get to walk around outside all day, every day with nothing more to worry about than getting a postal code mixed up. I would have been in amazing shape. I’d even deal with the frigid temperatures. Tragically, they were almost never hiring and it wasn’t meant to be.
5. Lounge singer – Okay, this is total fantasy land but I’ve always thought it would be awesome for one night to be one of those airport lounge entertainers. Just for fun. With no one in the audience but a few intoxicated flight attendants and a man who missed the last flight to Los Angeles. One day…
How about you? Any weird jobs you’ve performed? Any jobs you feel you missed?