It is day 58 of my 100 Days Project. I feel like it may as well be day 1. So many words, much more than the required 5800, and I am no closer to my goal of figuring out my goal.
The point of this challenge was to cultivate a daily writing practice. This I have done and am doing. It can be checked off. The underlying point, however, was to move beyond writing for writing’s sake. One can only blather on about nothing for so long.
Granted, I’ve done a decent job of this for over four years. Maybe there is purpose in a lack of purpose?
This is all a little too meta, isn’t it? Even for me. I am putting a lot of weight on one online scheme.
I am proud that I have stuck with it. Though I have dropped from blogging every day, I have faithfully kept up with my personal project. In the last few weeks, I have leaned toward pen and paper as a preferred medium. It is all very old school. There is something more appealing about burrowing into my deep blue chair, notebook in hand, scratching out the first thing that comes to mind, than there is about balancing my laptop and frowning at a bright screen. The experience of writing on real paper feels more natural. I correct myself less, crossing out much less than I would delete if I were typing.
But then, if I can get the same catharsis from writing my thoughts by hand as I do from sharing them online, is there a meaning behind this space at all? Why bother stammering to the void? Would it be more rewarding to hold my words to my chest? Should I just start a journal and be done with it?
What am I doing, really?
These are questions I can’t answer. I hate that. I hate that I am 32 years old and I have no clue what my passion is, what my goals are, what it is I want to do with my time. If I wasn’t afraid, if I was to throw everything at my dream, what would that dream be?
I don’t know. I am frightened I never will.
That’s enough ennui for today, I think. Because I don’t know how to end this properly, here is a short video of a baby goat. I filmed it while on holiday in British Columbia two weeks ago. If I could have fit him into my suitcase, he would be cuddling in my lap and life would be perfect.